if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
