he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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