watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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