oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
