Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
