its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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