he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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