if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
