Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
