all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
