is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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