dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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