If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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