if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
