I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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