Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
What a dumb baby whore.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
