my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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