I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
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