does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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