Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i drank out of a bidet.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
