I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
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I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
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I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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