Betty ford says i'm here all night
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
