I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Randomize
