I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
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His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
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I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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