The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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