Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
