Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
