dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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