you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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