It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Randomize
