I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
