i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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