i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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