you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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