Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
