I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I love black thongs
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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