Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
