The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
