News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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