I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
