I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
