He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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