Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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