One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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