An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
