I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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