Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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