States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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