I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
