I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
