guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
