i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
