I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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