I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
