is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
