I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
