She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
