The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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