Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
